As a kid
I used to chase rainbow colored lizards around St Lucia, throw sticks at them, and watch their tails fall off.
I had a moment where I genuinely thought I was Sheryl Crow.
And I was like “why am I sitting at this desk right now?”
Magic Johnson will die of old AIDS.
Just came across a list of things I
needed thought I needed for the apartment, dated 10/13/11.
religious candles from that crazy store in wicker park
1 or 2 more pillows
trash/recycling bins (nice ones)
a nice stand up organizer
We all want nice things. We all get a paycheck. This is what I’ve done or will do with mine.
The last paycheck was for vintage petticoat linens and shams.
The paycheck before that was for a the Armageddon soundtrack and other various 1998 collectors’ items.
There was a paycheck for a ping pong table.
This paycheck is for restaurants.
The next pay check is for a toy train that brings me shots of whiskey.
The paycheck after that is for spa treatments.
Oh the weather outside is…
Bet you thought I’d say “weather.”
On Sharing Recipes
Why do people have to write “Enjoy!” at the end of a recipe? If I ever share a recipe with someone, I’m going to sign it, “Go fuck yourself you piece of lard ass shit.”
And with that, I give you a game changing egg recipe created by Sean McBride:
apple cinnamon eggs
1. heat butter and honey in a pan over medium heat. once butter starts to melt throw in slices of apples and season with a generous amount of cinnamon.
2. After 5 or so minutes throw in 1 or 2 shallots, diced, and sautee until the apples are a little soft.
3. mix eggs (generally 2-3 per person) in a bowl with a little milk or cream. season with sea salt, black pepper, and fresh thyme.
4. take the apples and shallots off the burner and mix them into the egg mixture and make sure the apples are thoroughly mixed into the eggs.
5. pour the egg mixture into a fresh frying pan over medium hit. once the eggs start to cook cut in, using a butter knife, about half a package of cream cheese (use at your discretion).
6. cook mixture until desired texture…and poof, apple cinnamon eggs.
Go fuck yourself.
I’m sooo hungover. My legs hurt. That’s how I can tell. They’re all achy like when I used to get growing pains. These are alcohol pains. I think I’m gonna leave work early today around 3:30 so I can take a short nap. Anyway, I have no work to do right now, so I guess I’ll shop online for a rug/chairs until it’s lunch time. (i just ate a bagel) I’m chugging diet dew right now. CHUGGING. I went down to the bodega and researched all the caffeine contents per ounce in all the soda and now I know.
DIS IS NUTS!
Do you know about nuts?
Do you know that they grow on trees? Tree nuts.
That’s right, nuts grow on trees. But not peanuts. Those grow on plants.
Some nuts aren’t even real nuts! Like peanuts are legumes.
Critical Thinking for Amateur Fort Builders
First of all, let me say, that 3-year-olds love forts. They just love that shit. Recently, I was around a toddler who was an expert at demanding larger than life, custom-made forts built around her. Since then I’ve wanted to share the knowledge I gained through that challenge and present some simple instructional copy about forts.
So, to start, you’ll want to grab the proper materials. These include, but are certainly not limited to, neck ties, bungee cords, scrunchies, sheets, tapestries, pillows, lots of pillows, decorative, or sleeping ones, walls, bed posts, anything you can build up against, use for support (because free standing forts are nearly impossible to build these days).
Spread these materials around the bed/carpet/hard wood floor/ bath tub/your building station. The decorative pillows are often great assets because they are very stiff and the fabrics usually complement the more flimsy sleeping pillows, creating a sort of friction that acts as a mortar.
Once your fort is built, send the kid in. Unless of course, the kid had you build the fort around he or she, in which case, ask them how they like their new castle/spaceship/island/motor home/office/house boat. If they say, “but where’s my moat?” that means you should probably find some extra toole or silk scarves lying around and place it around the fort for an alligator-in-the-water effect. If the kid says, “there’s too many cracks,” (note: this is a common complaint), simply tell that little boy or girl that you are not getting paid to this, (*YET) and that he or she is lucky they don’t build forts out of poop anymore.
Alright, so you’re in the fort.
If you like to make shit up, you can create a fun fantasy scene, OR come up with some kind of Grindhouse-style narrative in or around your new fort.
Smell that? You’re an architect.
Finally, you will want to photograph your fort when complete. If you’re feeling real-estatey, create a walk-thru video of your own, OR hire a third party production company that can create a 360 virtual tour of your fort. This is all good to share using social media. Your friends and family will enjoy seeing something you built, but scaled to fit a small person. You will get comments like, “ummm, that’s amazing and beautiful/luxurious!” and “Nice moat!.” These are all great things to hear, but you know that once you’ve finished this fort, it must be destroyed and replaced by a better one.